About The Funk...

Observational Spittle from the mind of a man of color in his 40s, without the color added (most times). Come in, laugh, and you may learn something...

90 Things That Irritate The Sh** Out Of Me Trailer

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Gayacology...yeah! (Wait A Minute, Band!)

I don't quite understand the homosexual lifestyle thing, you know?

I mean, hell, it presents a whole lot of questions that covers everything from the validity of the bible, all the way to, well, where's the appeal in it?

In my 39 years and nearly 4 months of existence on this orb, since I was 8 years old I wanted to figure out how girls worked...like, why did the little cakes out of the Betty Crocker Ovens actually taste good, or, well, how come their underwear had really cool patterns, and little boys back when I was a tyke were like stuck with friggin' Underoos...total hose job.

I had Evel Knevial...while cool, well, didn't do as much, ya know?

Anyway, as I got older, of course I realize that girls can be fun in a whole lot of other ways...like, you know, doing Double Dutch and going to roller skating parties...:)

(Yeah, there was sex too, but as that I didn't shoot the white sticky liquid of lust until I was 18 years old, I couldn't do much else at the time, OK?)

So during all of these formative years, I was taught that, well, girls and boys go together, because that's what God wanted. That, and well, you figured that the "pole" only would fit easily without non-natural lubricant help (makes me wonder why Kentucky's state abbreviation is "KY". Another post, perhaps) in the "hole."

I think I found out about homosexuality from TV and living in NYC. Greenwich Village (a section of Manhattan, if memory serves) does have a somewhat large homosexual community, and I remember while in the area I saw two women kissing each other.

At the time, I was a bit confused. (Note, I have never understood why men think that's hot; I have seen my fair share of adult cinema, and, well, the blood flow must of hit a dam, cuz the Black rock of Gibraltar (one of my many names of my manliness) never seem to pay that much attention to that stuff).

My mom explained to me that they were gay, and it was a sin. My dad, well, had a more colorful term for them; actually, a couple of greatest hits:

Faggot.

Queers.

And for the ladies, "dykes."

Alright then.

So, as I headed into manhood, I began to accept that well, being gay was like, wrong. I went through college, and I have to thank well, whomever one may wish to thank (I will go with God in this case), because it, beyond opening me to different things (music, cultures, really, really shitty beer that you'd drink after you buy a 6 pack of the good stuff to start your evening), including the acceptance of the mantra that I still live by today:

GIVE PEOPLE ENOUGH ROPE TO HANG THEMSELVES.

This, in turn, gave birth to my own creation...

IF YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, EVENTUALLY YOU WILL BEGIN TO STINK, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU TRY TO WIPE UP YOUR SHIT.

So today as I look into entering my 5th decade, whenever I meet someone, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt (and start to get my rope and nose plug ready, in case I am disappointed).

Now, I am guilty of, well, whenever I see someone who supposedly looks "obviously gay" (Example, while out for breakfast this morning, I saw a waiter there who, due to his limp wrist, the twitching in his caboose, and his "gay-sounding" voice, automatically made him a "hiney-biter" in my book) to start pretending to light a match and wave it back and forth like I am at a 80's hair band concert.

(God I hope you got that joke).

It really isn't nice...I wouldn't be too happy if I passed someone and they said within my earshot...

"Damn, all of a sudden, I want watermelon, fried chicken, and fruity sodas! Then, I have to make sure to stand way far back from the urinal so that my jock doesn't get wet!"

(Well, that last part may be true for some folks, but let's move on!)

Now before I was kicked to the curb by my last employer, I worked under a male that had all of the stereotypical characteristics of a gay male (which he did turn out to be gay), and, well, had all of the stereotypes of a "Chatty Cathy"-type gossiping female.

Couldn't keep a secret if his petroleum jelly depended on it.

(damn it, that was wrong...I am truly trying to work on my bad habits).

Anyway, this gentleman actually, for whatever reason, helped me keep my job when I first got there, because due to my sleep apnea, I was making a crapload of mistakes. I actually owe him a word of thanks, but we lost contact after he first got kicked to the curb, then I was several months later.

No rope necessary there.

Then there was another gentleman from a couple of jobs back, who was really one of the coolest dudes I've ever met. This guy was a DAMNED Proud homosexual man, and at a party for him (he moved to Atlanta) he gave me a hug and wished me the best.

I was surprised on how I reacted....I hugged the guy back. No homophobe-like reactions, not worried he'd give me an informal check for colon cancer, etc.

Just a friend wishing another the best.

So, well, where does that leave this soliloquy?

Well, let's conclude with these few stimulating points...

1. I think homosexuals are as big of a minority as I am.

Hell, the chances of a gay man (note, I think gay women have it a little better; goes back to the society rules that men have to be men...whatever the hell that means) of getting his ass kicked (or killed...remember that kid in, I think, Texas who got killed a few years back) than I do lately by white supremacists.

(Note, if I am in Mississippi, parts of Georgia, South Carolina, Texas, etc, I think the chances of my doom go up considerably).

2. The bible says that being gay is a sin...which would mean, well, that the whole "being born gay" is shot to hell, right?

I am divided on this one...I am not totally convinced that, say, a guy, after dating women for 20 years, decides to say, "you know what, I think I am attracted to a guy with more hair on his body than I am."

Just doesn't fly with me.

However, you read all the time about men and women all the time that are, well, "confused" as they are growing older, and then, after being unhappy in opposite sex relationships, end up with "one of their own."

Things like that simply don't just "show up."

However, a final debate lies with gay women...I, from personal experience, know of women who got their hearts broken by too many males, and finally went the lesbian route, and were quite, quite happy.

(And, which didn't make me feel so sexually skilled, was told that while I was good, a former girlfriend advised me that her partner's skills in cunnilingus was mind blowing. Yay.)

So, if it seems that, well, men in particular are confused about their sexuality from the dawn of their reasoning, wouldn't that, well, prove what the bible said as wrong, as that homosexuals are born, not made?

As that we all are supposed to come form god, that would blow the bible totally to hell...

(OK, that was a horrible pun, and considering that, despite my crassness at times, do believe in a lot of biblical things, and it would suck that I missed out on A LOT of "stop, booty time" because of it).

3. Final point...most folks, including myself, associate the homosexual lifestyle as nothing more than deplorable sex acts.

I have to disagree on this one. Yeah, I have no desire of "parting the hairy bunghole sea" of any male whatsoever (even tho Denzel Washington...never mind...geech!).

But, and I truly believe this, whether a 2 women or 2 men are in a same-sex relationship, I honestly believe there is a love there...and to my knowledge, love is just as powerful between, say, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi, as it is between any man and woman.

So, I am sure that there are readers (yeah, if I can get more than 10 people a day to visit this site...chuckle) who may vehemently disagree with some of my words in this posting.

That's your right.

But dig this, children...

Suppose someone told YOU that you weren't allowed to date who you wanted, because, well, they had a zit that dripped blood like a broken jar of pizza sauce?

Or you were persecuted because both of you had some jacked up, Angela Davis-size Afros (or for the non African-Cultured folks out there, Billy Ray Cyrus Early 90s "Achy Breaky Heart" mullets)?

It's stupid, isn't it?

So, so what if Betty and Martha like sharing lipstick by kissing?

Or Neil and Bob (or, is that what they do? Sorry, couldn't help it - Andrew Dice Clay, when he he had a career) hold hands, even though they risk getting teased, or worse...getting killed?

A hate crime is a hate crime, period. And murder is wrong, and if the Bible has legitimacy, will get you a date as Sadaam Hussein's butt partner after you croak.

So no, as a heterosexual, I don't quite understand where the appeal is in homosexuality. And, as that I have 2 VERY good looking sons, I'd be disappointed (cuz I know i'd be the kitty collecting king if I had their looks) if they felt that being gay is who they are.

But, they are still my sons.

Love is love, my friends. Hetero or Homo (and that wasn't mean as an insult, damn it), one doesn't have to understand it to accept it.

OK...time to put up the Christmas tree....sigh.

2 comments:

Tug said...

I don't understand it either my friend.
But I am a fan of the "Whatever flicks your switch" mentality. So yeah. :]

David said...

It is not important to understand why two people find one another attractive as it is to respect their right to do so.

btw - that whole bible thing - it is equally sinful to eat shrimp. The bible has arguments for everyone regardless of their predjucies or hatreds.

Cheers