I lost a friend but not my soul

I was told by someone once that I seem to have an axe to grind with white people...or I am upset because I am married to a white woman...or was it the fact that I always point out when I see that folks haven't learned shit from 146 years of supposed emancipation.

Sigh, I hate when I have to get serious...makes my 425th pubic hair itch.

I had an idea for a book that I was planning (well, hoping) to write with someone who is, well, when it compares to my fluff, someone who should of been published and on "Oprah" (well, before she decided to say 'let's go ahead and blow my millions on a network that no one is gonna watch') by now. We have, well, agreed to disagree on a lot of things when it comes to the matters of black and white. Never disrespectful, just disagreed.

She's white, I'm black.

But with this story, it was my hope to tell a story as like two people who were writing a diary, and race would have little to do with it...even though it had to play some part in this story. I was convinced it would of been a kick ass book, and perhaps it would of helped us both reach our dreams.

But then we stopped speaking. I know I am at fault somewhat, as that disagreements always have two sides to build the bridge of discontent. I have this horrible habit of assuming that folks may or may not like me, even tho most times I 89.725% of the time don't give two rat fornication's if people like me or not...

...except for those people who I really want to, well, like me.

It's sort of an odd cluster-screw, cuz I say what is on my mind, and if something is wrong that I see, I am dying to get discussion started.

However, some think I am just some mixed-up, bitter black dude who doesn't know who he is, or thinks that the country is divided.

Well, I still stand by the fact that this country is still quite divided by race, even if some folks simply want to wish that it didn't exist.

I wrote nearly 3 years ago that our current President may not be ready for his job. I didn't jump up and down (even though I smiled when he was elected) when the United States elected its first non-white prez. I always thought of myself as objective, not backing someone cuz they may belong to a certain group...and certainly not because he happened to have some of the same melanin as I do.

3 years later, the man is probably looking at a one term presidency, mostly because the country is worse off than it was...

...but a good chunk cuz some folks can't get over the fact we're not on the cotton fields anymore.

But, back to my friend....if I can still call her that.

I am sad, really...cuz there are some things she said in the last conversation we had that did hit home...but it isn't for the reasons she pointed out. It was a reminder of my flaws, yes...but she missed the point of who I was, or didn't bother to ask "why" truly when I do or did the things I do.

I don't have many friends. Not the ones that call, or ask me to dinner, and it has also negatively affected how some folks treat my wife.

The whole "guilt by association" deelio.

But you know something?

I have a friend who is bigoted as they come...but would take a bullet for me. He sees color, but he ridicules it for his own pleasure...but I get him. Redneck like, "wigger-ish" at times, but I get him.

He's that cool asshole that irritates you, yet makes you laugh at the same time.

I know I am going all over the place, so let met tie things up as best I can.

September has been an odd month for me...and I've learned a few things, made some dumb mistakes, and am on the edge of a drastic change in life unless a miracle comes from the heavens.

The big thing that sticks with me is that, well, I have a lot to learn still, even at 42. I also know that my friend has a lot to learn as well. I know that I wish people were just, well people. That if you didn't like someone, it has more to do with their character, not whether or not they were gay, black, white, Jewish, purple, whatever.

But that will never happen, because the seeds of ignorance is always watered every generation, and weeds pop up.

As for my friend, I wish I could write that book with her. I think it would be a lesson for those who read it; a good read...and perhaps there would be knowledge between her and I...and maybe I wouldn't scare folks away, and she wouldn't think that my attempts at what I (and I say I, as that my opinion is what it is, an opinion)see is generally that we are fucked as a race...the human variety.

And not talking about it ain't gonna fix it.

Anywho, I cry about that book. I think Oprah may have come out of retirement for that one.

9/11 ain't a joke, but r we?

In about 12 hours or so, the worst thing to happen to the U.S. since I've been spouting bullshit will come 10 years past, and the majority of network coverage will involve remembering, ceremony, and politicians pretending to give a shit 'cuz they know they need to look good.

November is a comin', if ya didn't realize.

I am sure all of us remember what we were doing and where we were when the news of this horrible occurrence starting filtering everywhere. I was working for a major wireless phone company (who majored in shitting on its employees; but that's another piss in the the toilet bowl of history), and my wife on only 17 months at the time, if memory serves, told me on the phone that a small plane crash into the Twin Towers. As that this has happened b4, I figured "well, that sucks", but thought nothing of it.

She then called me several minutes later, and that small plane became two big ass airplanes, and, well, the rest you say is sad history.

Now, I am not going to rehash how I felt (born and raised in NYC, feeling that my hometown, even though it hadn't been my home town in well over a decade at that point, had been raped and violated; wondering how most of my family was, as that they were in screaming distance of the planes, and not knowing for hours how my mom was - she had to literally walk a good chunk of the distance home, from what she told me), but I remember the entire country coming together that day, and the days ahead, forgetting about all the bullshit that tends to seem to always wreck us as human beings.

We became, well, human beings at that moment. The crazy SOB's who had guts, men and women, running into buildings that they wouldn't come out of. The real "Avengers" who said "kiss my ass, if I'm gonna die, I am gonna fight" when they fought those assholes who were so obsessed by their beliefs, they figured "hey, let's prove a point by flying a big ass bomb with wings into shit."

While part of me would like to point out a few things about that day, I will only say this thing that has always perturbed me 10 years after this whole sad thing took place.

What happened to that human being thing?

We had the white powder in ur mail thing, and level orange, blue, fruit loops, whatever, the fact that Homeland Security is sort of a joke, bleeding money and doing nothing (wait, isn't that how government works?) and everything else that has occurred (or not occurred) since.

Yet, as soon as we were able to say "whew", we became bitches, assholes, racists, jerks, fools, arrogant, and everything else we as human beings are way too good at doing to each other.

Yet tomorrow, for one day, we'll sing "Kum by ya" and act like we all love each other.

That, well, is as almost as said as 9/11/01, when that plane hit the big tall buildings touching the sky.

I guess I wish that more times that not, we wouldn't have to have the President of the United States fly into NYC, then PA, then DC again and talk to families, and make a good speech, and folks hold hands and cry and be sad...and good to one another.

For all those folks that dread this day because they lost someone, may the Good Lord touch your sadness and bring back good memories of those folks to help you through.

For the rest of us?

It's too bad that "Kum By Ya" isn't a way of life, instead of an annual tradition.