About The Funk...

Observational Spittle from the mind of a man of color in his 40s, without the color added (most times). Come in, laugh, and you may learn something...

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Saturday, April 17, 2010

Sometimes the Young Wonder....

A few weeks ago (I keep forgetting to tell my spouse about these events; she works weekends and she hates it...keeps missing these little tidbits) my oldest, while we were out to lunch, was flirting with one of the cute female workers there, being the cute nearly 8 year old "hottie" to be he is. After I got my meal and sat down (as the youngest one was acting quite, quite, quite the ignorant fool) I gave my oldest a high five on his fine taste (the girl was a cutie; I would of taxed that ass like the government in my younger, non-married life), he asked me how many girlfriends I had before I met his mom.

Ooh...ugh. Not a great question to pose ur 80 lbs overweight dad as he is about to eat 1700 calorie nachos.

So I motioned to him to hold on a second as I was dipping my chip into a concoction of nacho cheese, grilled chicken, black beans, sour cream, and other heart stopping crap, and pondered his query as I chewed.

Now, my love life BC (before my wife C) wasn't terribly exciting. As the great Aerosmith song "Walk this Way" once stated, I was truly a "high school loser, never made it with the ladies" and so on. I was a 180 lb by senior year social reject who didn't go to his high school prom cuz he couldn't save enough from his after school jobs and summer break to bride a female to be seen with me. I had one girlfriend (see previous blogs) in my junior year...a true hottie, yes, but I blew that like a hooker on the cheap cuz I had no clue that I had a "hot one!" (thanks Randy Jackson...not the late MJ's bro, the 54 year old American Idol Judge who still thinks he's a teenager).

Then after high school, there was girlfriend # 2...a cutie for her time, with a butt that could make toast, it was so hot to look at. Then college was a series of continued social rejections, with no luck on the female front till senior year, and then came girlfriend # 3...the great heartbreak of my life (who, in the end, turned out to be a raving psycho hose beast bitch, but was too obsessed to see it till years later).

So, while pressed in thought (as I pressed in more caloric intake from my lunch), my oldest continued to press on, awaiting the answer to his question. I again motioned to him to hold on, as I continued the difficult task of actually not embarrassing myself with this probable low figure.

Ok....after college there was girlfriend #4, which ended very, very badly (even tho I now count her as a friend today; great in bed, but we shouldn't of lived together). Girlfriend # 5 was great, but I treated her poorly; it was during this period that I stopped loathing my looks and decided to go the "whore route", in which a decent number of women became...umm..."friends" (a part I made sure I left out, even though I am sure due to my boy's good looks and great hair he will make look like a priest's amount of women compared to Wilt Chamberlain's). So, I finally arrived at girlfriend # 6...

...a weekend of constant sex that led to settling down, marriage, and then, well, my son.

So, after taking in another chip, I gave him the # of 6. He said, "oh, okay" and continued to play with his iPod.

This slightly perturbed me, as that I felt that, well, leaving off the one night (or a few night) stands greatly reduced the number of women I've "crossed the divide" of friendship with, didn't seem to impress him much. It was like he said "that's too bad Dad...I won't be coming to YOU for female advice!"

Even tho at the moment he at least makes sure I approve of his flirtation choices by giving me a thumbs up ever so often.

So, after I looked at him for a minute, I proceeded to finish my lunch.

Sort of a bummer...I have probably given more relationship advice to more females that I can count...I was sort of the "yeah, ur funny, but I'll never give up the "hoo-ha" to ya" sort of dude most of my single life. However, my boy is beginning to slowly figure out that girls of all ages thinks he's "cute", and I have a feeling he plans to use that to his advantage.

That's ok tho...as long as he doesn't give me 17 grandchildren and ends up on "Maury."

We get up to leave the restaurant, and my oldest decides to kick me in the hindquarters, as he is wont to do, and chuckles as he walks ahead and out the door. I shake my head as I try to stop his brother from wiggling out of my arms, and I pause for a moment to look back at the 6 ladies I called girlfriend...

...and I shake my head, cuz I don't think I'd do anything differently...

...cept maybe at least not gotten greedy and f'd up #1 by chasing after #1a.

Greed's a bitch.

Hopefully my "hot one" oldest learns that before the life crap begins.

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