I don't have a clue, dude.

I just discovered that I have no idea what it is like to be Black/African American/Niggerish in America.

I honestly truly don't.

And to be real, I don't think a lot of modern people of color have a damned clue, either.

This thought came to me yesterday, as I watched a movie, as is my want on Saturdays when I don't want my children to irritate the shit out me...which they did anyway.

My mind is a truly interesting minefield, as that the crap that pops up at any given moment frightens me from time to time.

But yesterday, while I watched my action movie of the week, it struck me that I, as a man of color, don't even know the cost of the shade in this society.  Now sure, I've been called nigger a few times....well, actually less than a few.  Twice.  Once while driving in Columbus (I have no idea why I was in Columbus at the time), and another by some ignorant fuck in a park somewhere...who of course was far away when he said it.

But does that give me an idea of what it is like to be a minority in the U.S.A.?

Now in my house, I have sadly made fun of myself as a black man, as well as the fact that I am a fat man, a broke man, a dependent man, a negative man, a not so attractive man, and any other flaw that I have that strikes me as funny. I see it as a way for folks to feel better about themselves, as well as stop me from popping pills and downing it with rubbing alcohol...like I attempted to do in 1990 b4 the girl who was giving me the humpty dance at the time stopped me.

But...despite the fact that I have had jokes made about me smiling to be seen at night, or open your eyes in the same situation, I still don't truly have a grip on what it is like to be expected to know how to dance (I suck), play basketball (double suck), or have a large penis (well, 2 out of three being WRONG isn't bad).

My world today consists of spending 98% of my time away from people of color.  My wife is white.  My kids are half white, but they might as well be all the way Caucasian, because whenever they are around my side of the family, they act like the old white women who get in an elevator with me from time to time, clutching their purses.  I truly have no black friends, and my best friend is of the Latin persuasion. I haven't dated a woman of color since the 1980's.  Been called a sellout because I have country, metal, classical, and rock in my music list (even though more than 50% of my music is either rap/hip-hop or R&B).

So, did I get lost on the highway of blackness?

Now some folks out there feel they are "black enough" because they have been discriminated against, and I am sure that because they are not White Anglo Saxon Protestant (by descent or otherwise) MEN (ladies of all races, y'all at times have it just as bad, cuz just u were born with vaginas, which ain't right), they are hated on cuz they are simply not understood.  However, there are a great number of the modern whatever term you wish to call my race that use their "blackness" to their advantage, if such a thing exists.  Now I am all for advantages, but you know...if their grandmothers are still here, or even their parents, I think they have a better grip on the entire "black" mystique than they could ever grip or realize.

Their is, however, the entire "expected responsibility" of being the race not known as white.  Like the music you have to like (don't dare say you hate Mary J. Blige, damn it!).  Or support the president because he happens to be black.  Or a myriad of other "responsibilities" that one must have because you are more resistant to skin cancer than Caucasians/Whites/Honky/Blue Eyed Devils.

It is all so damned confusing, and I think I should recommend to the NAACP to write the modern African Descendant a f'n manual, so that we can at least try to "feel" what you are supposed to feel...or understand who we truly need to be.

Anyway, I guess to conclude, I am what I am...trying to b G (not an O.G., mind you; oo old for that shit).  Yeah, I am black or whatever.  Yeah, I have said to folks (which have caused a lot of them, mostly white, but also my own family) that racism is alive and thriving in the good ol' U.S. of A, which has caused themto walk away, feeling that I am a blowhard, I don't have the right to speak on it, and blah blah blah (actually I wanted to say "Well, Well, Well", but my wife hates Duffy).  And I know that being a 200 lb + black dude will scare some folks, while others expect me to be a comedian (what I like to call the "Eddie Murphy Syndrome).  But I really do wish I knew what I was supposed to feel, as that whenever I go to my wife's side of the family, I sort of stick out.

Then again, the same is said of her.

What is it like to be white, anyway?

I'll ask Mitt Romney the next time I see him.

Oh wait...white people don't know how he thinks either.

Never mind.