About The Funk...

Observational Spittle from the mind of a man of color in his 40s, without the color added (most times). Come in, laugh, and you may learn something...

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Monday, November 3, 2008

So, What Defines A Whore, Anyway?

Slut. Harlot. Been Turned More Times than a Doorknob. Easy. "Ho."

Just a few terms of endearment to describe a person who seems to have a myriad of sexual partners in a lifetime (or a weekend, depending on how you look at it).

It seems that this term is, for whatever reason, is mostly been placed upon the female gender. As you follow my "spittle" you will probably figure out that double standard fecal matter doesn't flow with me....just considered me the "stopped up toilet" of opinion...you never know which way I will flow...:)

My wife and I were on the way back from eating when I posed a simple question to her during our less than scenic drive. (The drive around the Midwestern city that I have resided in for the past 13 years is more like being miniaturized and driving around a city of armpit hair. That sort of excitement). Can't exactly recall how we went down that road, but I asked her this...

"How many people do you have to sleep with to be qualified as a whore?"

My wife, who is used to my, umm, strange pattern of thought, sat and thought about that for a moment (not taking into account when and how sexual partner jumping would of taken place in a lifetime). She settled on a number of 20 or more partners in a lifetime before you settle down in either a serious relationship or marriage. Anymore beyond that, and you are "sluttier" than any soap opera character on the 3 major TV networks.

20.

Hmm...well, based on that nice round number, that would qualify me to be just short of a porn star (OK, back in the day I wish I was....then again, who am I kidding...I wouldn't do me if I was an ugly female), cuz I know I probably blew past that number before I met my wife...accumulating the majority of that between the ages of 23 and almost 27, when she (sorry honey) became my latest (and last) "ho down", so to speak. Now, I didn't hit 40 partners (I think), and I am pretty sure I am closer to 30 or so partners (not counting fooling around and other "acts" that might constitute membership in the doorknob turning hall of fame). But hey, I'm a guy....doesn't that make me "the man?" I mean, a "man whore" is like the dude who doesn't spend his time playing video games all day, and does his "point scoring" on any semi-comfortable surface he can find (bed, couch, minivan, church counter top...wait, that's another story).

It's interesting, because I have known (and not in the biblical sense, sadly) a few women who would make my totals look like I was a "2 minute brother" (look up the song by BWP, old school hip-hop, crass but hilarious), a chump who would get excited walking by Victoria's Secret and seeing the mannequins model the store's wares. But say a man was aware that, say, a female I once new back in my single days was "tapped more than beer in a busy bar on a Friday night." Automatically, conditioned by society, he'd figure she was "an easy slut", and he'd be a bronco in a rodeo by the end of the night after a few drinks.

Wrongo!

What is wrong with the ladies liking sex? I mean, men have been trying to climb back into the birth canal almost as soon as they came out of the darned thing. Why can't women desire the the same thing (well, not getting back into the birth canal, but having occasional visitors whenever their hearts desire it). Hell, this could apply to those who live the gay/lesbian lifestyle (and that getting back into the birth canal, depending on their desires and certain purchases, would apply). You see, don't get me wrong...if one feels that they only way they feel wanted and loved is to give up their body (and fellas, this applies to you, too...making yourself look good in front of your "boys" or hell, boosting your own ego makes you just as guilty as any woman), there are some serious self-confidence/self-image issue that you need to have a sit down with a priest/pastor/rabbi of your choice to discuss, or if you are not the religious type, lay down on the couch (and don't do your therapist just because they're hot) and try to work it out.

However, if you are the type of person who simply enjoys the physical pleasures of the flesh, and you are not quite ready to settle for the "same old crackers" (thanks Mr. Murphy) quite yet, you should feel free to do so. Society, especially in the U.S., is driven by majority opinion, and as most of us have been taught, especially and mostly for the females, if you are "test driven" by more than a few folks before you settle down, you have no moral fiber, standards, and will burn in hell.

Now I was bought up in the church, and I know there is a God (he has saved me and my family from disaster more times that I can think of, and unless their are ghosts floating around my life, it is the only logical explanation). However, let me put it to you this way...I was watching some show with my wife on TLC (that is so her channel) about this family with 17 kids....

SEVENTEEN FRIGGIN' KIDS.

Now ok, since these folks were married, neither one of these people would qualify as a "whore", as they did their "bangin and baby makin'" within the context of marriage. Now on the episode I watched, the oldest proposed to his girlfriend, who said yes. No big deal, people get engaged every day, right?

Here's the kicker....

THEY HAVE NEVER ENGAGED IN ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITY...HELL, THEY NEVER EVEN KISSED!

They were saving all that stuff for the wedding.

HELL NO!

Now, the no sex thing, while I am not a proponent of it, I respect that and understand it cuz of their religious beliefs.

But never kissing? C'mon, that's like buying a car on the Internet, unseen, not knowing if it has an engine, comfortable seats, or if the thing can even be turned on! (and yea, the pun was intentional).

How does this tie into this little rant?

There are certain folks who like to find out what they like, how they like to do it, and find someone who is compatible in that area. Sex, while it isn't the most important component in a relationship, is at least 1a in it. So men (mostly) and women (more than you probably think you know), if they are simply not a dog or lacking self esteem, treat sex as if they are shopping for a car. What is the right "fit" (another intentional pun...work with me people!), their likes, dislikes, etc. So, say a woman has slept with 25 guys, and #25 is her lifelong partner? They like movies, dining out, swing dancing (hell, I am pulling this out of the air here), and everything else. They DON'T sleep together, and they get married.

That wedding night, this lady likes that "spank me like I just spilled the milk onto the new linoleum floor" kind of activity.

And she ends up with "Clark Kent" instead of "Superman."

Ouch...divorce, adultery, etc. Those chances go way the heck up.

So in conclusion, let's give you the dictionary definition of a "whore", shall we?

A whore is "Prostitution is sexual activity in exchange for remuneration." (wikipedia). For those who want the definition of "remuneration", that is a fancy word for "payment."

Last time I checked, my bank account didn't grow by one penny after all the times I jumped into the lust pool.

So, if you like to "handle your business" with more than a few people (or that magical number "20"), and, well, you can get over the biblical definition or moral implications, as long as you feel good about yourself as you get up from the back of the van the next morning, walk on (making sure, of course you don't forget your belongings. Nothing more uncomfortable than making that call to ask for your watch or those pair of earrings your mom gave you last Christmas).

1 comment:

Ellie said...

# 1 - TLC rocks!

# 2 - I don't think the sheer number of people you bump and grind with makes you a ho/himbo. I think it's how it's all treated: if you go screwing everything you can and end up breaking hearts just cuz you can (male or female), I would label you a ho/himbo/slut/man ho. If you have many partners, and it's either in the confines of a relationship or you know there are no strings attached, I don't think you should be labeled. Just cuz you have many partners, it doesn't mean you are an easy lay.