About The Funk...

Observational Spittle from the mind of a man of color in his 40s, without the color added (most times). Come in, laugh, and you may learn something...

90 Things That Irritate The Sh** Out Of Me Trailer

Monday, November 10, 2008

A Quick Cheat...

Hi kids...being slightly lazy this time...this is a quick posting of old blogs from MySpace. I plan to update with fresh material by 11/11, but since I got a couple of positive reviews from 'em, and I want y'all to hopefully dig my vibe, here we go, each dated and left uncircumcised. Peace and anal cleanings.

(Note: These Pieces of the "Ill Funk" are based on late nite irritations...sort of like hemorrhoids. As you can see in the newer ones and in the future, my tone has changed...at least slightly...:)

Happy Friggin 38th bday! (Originally Posted 7/26/07)

Alrighty then! First blog from TNWTE (The Negro with the ego). Hmm...it is my 38th birthday, and it has suck the cream of a hung horse today, let me tell ya! My youngest (who seems to have a knack for getting sick/injured/messed up on every day off I have) ended up in the hospital (just 2 days after he left the hospital for heart surgery) because his pooper wasn't being cooperative. Sigh, gives a whole new meaning to a crappy day, doesn't it?
Anyway, I guess I can't totally complain...I mean, I am alive for another year, despite my best efforts to tick the good Lord off and have him strike me down. And, as u can c, I do have 2 pretty cute kids (and no, they are not adopted; someone actually have the nerve to friggin' ask my wife if they were...I mean damn, I know I am not the sexy beast I once was, but give me a friggin' break...lol) so I guess life ain't totally skid marked like fruit of the looms, right?
Forgive my mood; just sort of been a disappointing year all around. I doubt anyone will read this mug, but if you do, let a brother know that I made ya smile, at the very least. I am out...hopefully my spouse will wake up (she has a migraine; as I said, been a hell of a day) and take me out for some steak to salvage this day. I do like to write, so hit me up if u get a chance...see ya!

Toe Jams are not Groceries (Originally Posted 7/28/07)

It's good to get the creative juices flowing once again...even if the audience for this dribbling of funk from my cranium consists only of myself, a good tune, and the spinning sounds of my ceiling fan to the right and above from my sloppy armoire.
Anyway, not much to write about...came back from Louisville, KY, using my 10th and final day off for the year. Yeah, it is only July, but I won't bore you w/the details with how the year's gone so far for moi and the fam. Besides, don't u hate mofo's who actually bore you w/the details of their mundane existence, considering that more than likely your life is either...
1. Much better than theirs, so u don't friggin' care;
2. Your life is worse, so u really don't friggin' care;
3. If u actually do care, it shows, so that person keeps talking, which makes u end up not caring and u tell them to "expletive" off, which ends up hurting the person's feelings, ruining your day, AND even making you even care less the next time they come to you...whew!
So, I won't go there for those who actually may read this blog...say, in the next 6 months to a year, when I probably won't care to write again...:)
Anyway, good weekend to all ( unless u r in Australia, which means it's already Sunday and their weekend's about shot...:)

Let me tell you about kids... (Originally Published 8/21/07)

'sup dark ones and those who have all the paper! (that would be the white folks...lol). Kidding, of course...as that I am married to one of the poor white folks (I know, shocking...not like the kids weren't a dead giveaway..:)) Anyway, as that no one reads these things, I am gonna be brief this time. As you can see, I have 2 kids....one of them special needs. However, both of them...well...are sort of like an anal scratch...u'd love to get rid of it, but the consequences may not be ones u want to pay...LOL Don't get me wrong...love my boys...damned proud of them too, especially the little one and his multitude of healt problems. But don't you wish you had an "off" button for kids? I mean, y ou'd be richer than Bill Gates OVERNIGHT...:) My oldest, and I think this must be a 5 year old thing, will not shut the (*@(*@ up! I am going to find the Kaluhua fo' real on this one, just so I am too blitzed to feel the pain! If I could resign from this job, I would...LOL

Anyway, enough of that...peace and fatback, y'all.

Grits ain’t toothpaste (Originally Published 12/1/07)

Morning (or evening, depending on how you look at it). As that I was about to go to bed (sad as it is, as that 10 years ago I was just headed to my next club on a Saturday night/Sunday evening), but decided to stop on myspace to see if anyone cared to drop me a note.
Shockingly, I got 2...as if I should be surprised, since, well, I ain't as sexy as I once was...:) But, to the one or 2 people who wanted to get their annual charity out of the way and be nice to me, thank you, and I'll send you that $9.99 payoff in the mail shortly.
Anyway, let me see what I wish to talk about...not much has happened since I last posted to this site...the kids are still trying to make me, well, die from frustration and stress (and sadly, the little one has become, well, a part time A**hole; love him to death, but the terrible 2's are comin) and after hearing from the doc that I probably have diabetes, I need to haul my fat, tugboat, titanic sinkin' a** to a gym and eat celery sticks instead of pork rinds. Quick piece of advice to the few people who may read this who are about to turn 30; enjoy eating what u want; your body will say f**k u shortly.
So anyway there is an associate of mine who came by to see me on Saturday, bummed out 'cuz she cannot find love, and she always is looking for love in all the wrong places (damn it, I know that is sung by some white dude; if someone can give me the title, I'll be sure to NOT put it on my iPhone...:) Anyway, it is an old tale of a good looking female, successful, smart, etc not being to find a dude who either isn't married, gay, stupid, or friggin' emotionally confused. So, being the good friend that I am, I said to her a few things...
1. men are well, stupid. This is why Joni Mitchell wrote "Got Til It's Gone." We are about as swift as used toilet paper at times.
2. Stop trippin and cut that zero (thank you Doug E. Fresh). u can have any man u want; u have an a** that u can bounce quarters off of and come back as dollar bills.
3. Finally, God is never late.
Now, considering that I just called my adorable son an a**hole a few paragraphs ago, it is probably odd for the .5 readers of this article for me to bring religion into the conversation. But let me break it down like this. As I told a friend of mine many times, God even watches over the wicked. It is my hope, for example, that I get smart and start looking at women's breasts and say "damn, that makes me thirsty" and try to get my soul straight before I am the devil's ping-pong ball for eternity (even tho I am pretty much that way here on earth; for the agnostics in the world, well, this part won't matter, since u r convinced that u'll be just dirt and s**t when your clock is punched. However, one of us will be proven wrong; u better hope it is me...lol). But, as I tried to explain to my friend, "Someday....her prince...will come!" (Disney, bit**es, c'mon now!) Love generally sucks the tastes of a dirty scrotum most of the time, but eventually, the victory will be yours. She took my advice, thanked me, and split.
Probably didn't do piss, but perhaps someone who reads this might dig it.
And oh yeah, Grits Ain't Toothpaste.
Peace and chicken grease, w/a side of fatback on the side.

Up at 2:25...i’m too old for this s**t (Originally Posted 8/3/08)

Eh yo....not like u folks read my rantings, but ya know, it's good therapy for me, especially when I can't sleep...:)Lessee...what shall I bitch about today...:). Well, beyond my lack of income these days, life isn't too shabby...it usually isn't too bad when u r not, well, dead...LOL. Just turned 39 9 days ago...had a pleasant evening with the spouse, so that's all good...I do wonder tho where time went so friggin' quickly....for one, I remember hanging out in the boogie down Bronx, being afraid of getting my ass kicked (or kicking someone's ass, as before I got 2 kegs of beer where my nice stomach once once I was a pretty strong guy) playing handball, stickball, hanging out on the "stoop" listening to rap music when you were able to play it in front of your parents. And girls...let me ask you something....is something in the water or what? When I was 13, there was one girl who had bigger than a-cups...Juana Alverez. Of course, I never had a shot with here...I was a 170 lb nerd with a head shaped like the official ball of the NFL. Today, u can't tell the 14 year olds from the 25 year olds. And I know I am getting older, cuz I am tellin' them to put their clothes on....WTF?Now don't get me wrong....I don't act my age...I think my frame of mind (and face it white folks, y'all age f**ked up; my dear wife, who I love to death, is so far avoiding looking like her mother, but check back with me in 2018...lol) keeps me young....and there are times I can actually tell what is playing on the radio. Folks at my former employer used to pick on me cuz they ASSumed that all I listened to in my car stereo was 80's era music. While I admit that about 40% of my music would fit in my genre (hell, I listen to the 80's station on XM most of the time; most of today's music is crap...and yeah, I am beginning to sound like my parents...lol)I am always on the outlook for new stuff. There's this track that my wife pointed out to me..."I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry....catchy as hell. There are still some musicians out there that don't rely on your basic "my wheels/my rims/my bitc*es/let me do you/let's use the same exact beat for every song I put out" mentality that permeates today's music. So if I am old in that sense, suck the flab out of my belly, ok? :)Anyway, during my time off I have come to conclude several things, which I will end this latest rant with...1. I am deathly afraid of dying (isn't it funny..."deathly" and "dying" in the same sentence, especially since well "deathly"...never mind, u figure it out!) due to my many sins, flaws, whatever you call them. I had an associate (sadly I wish I could say friend, because he is a fascinating fellow) from my former employer who is pretty much an atheist who I enjoyed bantering with. My thoughts ran across him when one of the funniest men in America, George Carlin, died last month. He didn't believe in God either. Now I am a crappy church goer, and I need to bring my kids up right...but one thing I do know is this...being out of work for 8 months and still having my home and my possessions tells me that SOMEONE is watching my ass somewhere. In short, I need to figure this thing called life and faith out before my "fear" becomes a reality. As my friend, as I am sure Mr. Carlin has found out, either Christians or he is going to be wrong.2. Getting fat is much easier than losing weight. When I was in college up till my mid 20's, I was about 180 lbs or so (maybe 190 w/muscle, but whatever...lol) When I was a male whore (hey, I admit it, while I was an honest one, I was a whore, nonetheless) I for one of the few times in my life thought I was a decent looking guy. THen I met my wife, and oh, 80 lbs later, I look like a miniature Fat Albert (if u are under 30, u won't get the comparison...google it!). I know the countdown to 40 has begun, but dayam, when u need a tank of oxygen on the top and the bottom of the steps, something is wrong. Now, my dear cousin sent me a late birthday present, and while it hasn't arrived yet, my bet it is the "Wii Fit." Hopefully the "Fit" will get the "s**t" off my my ass.3. Your mindset determines your life's outlook. Whatever faith you follow plays a major part in this as well, but as that I haven't made one red cent in 2008, and every month is a "how do I pay my friggin' mortgage" game show, I still joke, laugh, dispense advice if asked, and general act as if nothing is wrong, even tho I know everything I've worked for may take a major crappola the following month. So, I'll bid adieu by saying that the way I've survived the devil's crap throw is just trying to be the head of my family and say "hey, I won't have to sell my bootie for cash." Hey, I don't even like it when the doctor checks "up there". :)Anyways, I am out....I doubt anyone will read this, but if ya do, be kind, please rewind (yeah, maybe I am an 80's guy after all...:)


Tug said...

I've noticed that with girls too. (Although I'm not as old as you are, so therefore it's less creepy. But creepy nonetheless.) When I was 14 (All of 5 years ago.) they sure didn't dress like they do today. Gah! (Not that I'm into 14 year olds? Awkward.) :]

"damn it, I know that is sung by some white dude; if someone can give me the title, I'll be sure to NOT put it on my iPhone."

Waylon Jennings - Looking For Love?

So Not The Bradys said...

You write: "Quick piece of advice to the few people who may read this who are about to turn 30; enjoy eating what u want; your body will say f**k u shortly."

Boy, if that's not the god's honest truth, I don't know what is.

Two words - back fat. It's not that I'm a stranger to fat congregating on certain places on my body, but holy beejesus...on my back? Why, I ask? Why?