About The Funk...

Observational Spittle from the mind of a man of color in his 40s, without the color added (most times). Come in, laugh, and you may learn something...

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Thursday, November 6, 2008

Too Much "Bitch"in

Lawd....chili sauce! (Jerome, bring me a mirror...if you know where I got this from, you are a child of the 80s).

The domain is taking a bit of a stretch during the historic week here in the good ol' US of A.  I just downed a glass of delicious Tradewinds Ice Tea (it's sex in a glass without the nasty aftertaste, I tell ya!) and I am now going to move on from politics...for the moment, anyway. 

Today, I want to bring up a subject that happened to cross my mind recently (actually, it crossed after I noticed a woman while at lunch today, who can only be described in that great R&B track from BeyoncĂ©'s and her assistant back up singers (better know as Destiny's Child) as "Bootylicious.").  

You see, I have a bad habit of using a particular phrase in a variety of ways when it comes to women, or in some cases, stereotypical behavior that supposedly would be considered "women-like."    I do it waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too often, and my mama (if she ever reads these spewings) would backslap me like a pimp in the 70's if she caught me.  That wouldn't be cool, as that my mom is like 5 foot nothin' and getting clocked by someone who can't reach the glasses in her cupboard at nearly 40 years old just ain't cool.

So, getting back to the attractive woman I saw during lunch, that bad habit popped back into my dome, and immediately came out of my mouth like a well-timed money shot...

"Dayam, that is a fine ass bitch!"


Now over the past 10 years of my existence, I have used the word "bitch" (and yes, unlike other of the "7 words you cannot say on TV" - Carlin, R.I.P, it is an actual word; read on) anytime I wish to describe a woman in a variety of ways, or to point out any feminine weakness I may see in a male or, primarily, in a gay male.  

Grabbing the ol' dictionary, "Bitch" is actually a word (unlike the other colorful metaphors I am guilty of using, especially in front of the 6 year old when the Yankees are losing) to describe a female canine (which I am sure that most of my intelligent readers already knew that...yeah, that was an ass kiss, but I am trying to get a readership here).  So, if you look at what I got my "branch in da pants" (only my spouse gets the full big oak tree, thank you) reaction after seeing the attractive brunette at lunch (yeah, there goes that black guy scoping a white woman...another blog, another time), and taking the actual definition (without the slang connotation) of the word "bitch", well...

I had my head turned by, well, an animal that can lick its own anus...and find it tasty.

Hmm...sort of kills the whole affair when you think about it, doesn't it?

Now my guilt of using the word "bitch" way too frequently in the last several years is a combination of sad excuses and lack of good sense and respect on my part.  Perhaps others may be able to relate to this...or, well, I am a toejam sandwich for being such a "man."

When it comes to gay men (and I have nothing against them, just don't agree with the lifestyle; I am sure their love is real and pure to them, but for me personally, I can't stare at a man's hairy butt and find that sexy), I have referred to them frequently as "bitches", due to their at times feminine mannerisms.  One of my more heinous phrases whenever I notice a gay male (or a man who may not be gay but "looks" gay, which is like saying a person "looks" stupid, then they make you the "stupid winner of the week) is...

"Look at that Bitch-Ass Bitch!"

Or, if a woman is crazy (or acts as such), or generally mean or cruel, I reply with the classic male response...

"That Bitch is Crazy!"

"You are such a bitch!"


"Stop your uber bitching!" or "Dude, stop yer bitchin!"

Statements likes these that fly out of my mouth like accidently spit into someone's eye I am sure a lot of men (and some women...more on that later) are guilty of saying in some variation (cultural adjustments can be applied, i.e. the "dude" reference).

However, let's get back to the actual meaning of "bitch."  Looking at my earlier translation, logically we are not using the term correctly, if trying to stick with the English language.  Let's translate my previous examples  to the literal definition, shall we?

Gay men...

"Look at that Female Dog-Donkey Like, umm, Female Dog."

Women who are mean, cruel, hormonal, etc...

"You are such a...female canine!" (Note, for some women whose looks are less than, say, "pristine", this might be an appropriate insult).


"Stop your female cocker spaniel-ing!"


Now I remember seeing the movie "Dolores Claiborne" with Kathy Bates and Jennifer Jason-Leigh, and the one line that has stuck with me 13 years after the flick came out was this...

"Sometimes being a bitch is the only thing a woman has hold onto."

Now the reason I bring that up is that it leads me into, what my opinion (worthless as it may be) is when it comes to using the word "bitch".   One, I shouldn't use it....nor most men, to be honest.  That isn't to say that the stereotypical descritption should disappear, however.

Let's "Dolores Claiborne" it, and go with this...

Women should have the exclusive copyright on "bitch"-ology.

Acting like the stereotype as a defense mechanism, or to use the insult against each other, or those "men" who just don't handle their business.

You ladies have mastered what the stereotypical "bitch" should be, if not taking it in the literal sense.  In one of my earlier posts, I mentioned why women ruled the world (mostly intelligence, as well as having a monopoly on that one "item" men can't live without). However, as that most ladies can (if pushed by, more than likely, men) become the stereotypical "bitch", I feel they should be only one who should use the word.

Best friend stole your man?

She's a bitch!

Gay guy dresses better than you?

That Little Beeeyotch! (this was a Snoop Dogg alert!)

Husband too afraid to get rats out of the garage (like a certain good looking African-American Blogger was last fall, and had to get the Marine next door to get them out)?

B-I-T-C-H, and check your testicles at the door!

It's all relative to some idiot who wanted to put down one group of people for the other...and it stuck, instead of the literal meaning of what the word was for in the first place.

Gay Men, I think you should have the secondary "copyright" on the phrase as well.

"Oh Hell No!  That Bitch ain't trying to steal my man!" (More predominately used by African-American Gay males and straight females, but you get my point).

In a perfect world, it would be nice if we were able to avoid insults period, even if you think you are trying to be "hip", ethnic (as I was semi-guilty of,  as that a lot of black men are bad in using the term in a derogatory fashion; hell, without the word, rap music would of died 15 years ago), or whatever ego-saving reason you would do something like this.  But, I think the people who most of the time this term is directed to should be the exclusive ones to use it.

So, while I can't promise to quit using it overnight, I gotta work on not being so piggish (even though if I still see a good looking woman, I'll comment on it.  My wife is pretty cool about that stuff, she know my "oak tree" is planted in her backyard; hold on, that came out wrong...u get my meaning, damn it!) I'll go with "Bootylicious" and "woman" instead...it'll take me a while, but I'll work on it.

Oh, for those men who don't respect women, and use it as frequently as I do...I got a challenge for you....

Go up to Layla Ali (you know, the daughter of the Greatest Boxer of all time, and a champion herself) and call her a bitch.

See how much your dental bill ends up being after she kicks your ass.


Ellie said...

Yeah, reign in that word. I'm one of those ladies who doesn't take kindly to being called a bitch. I've slapped guys for it before. If I earn the title, then hey, be my guest, but I really try not to be one, KWIM?

bronxladydiva said...

Carla kicked your butt over that woman didn't she??? And, call me one and find out what would happen....you already know...

bronxladydiva said...

OH and I KNOW I earned the title....but ya betta not call a sista that!!!!

So Not The Bradys said...

If I get called a bitch, my reaction typically is, "Why thank you for noticing, asshole!"

I guess I'm guilty of using "son of a bitch" a lot. I like it because said with different emphasis, it's versatile.


Soooon of-a-bitch

son of a BITCH!

Then, of course, combined with other curse words, that makes it even more my favorite.

Come to think of it, someone should wash my potty mouth out with soap.

(Oh, and my word verification to post is "pimplim.")

Kimberly said...

I can have a bit of a potty mouth at times and I tend to believe words are just words. They only have as much power as you allow them to have. That said, I don't really want to be called a bitch myself. I'm no Layla Ali, but called that in the right set of circumstances and I might do some ass-kicking myself.