About The Funk...

Observational Spittle from the mind of a man of color in his 40s, without the color added (most times). Come in, laugh, and you may learn something...

90 Things That Irritate The Sh** Out Of Me Trailer

Monday, December 15, 2008

Geeks, Ugly Folks, Losers, The Socially Inept- Face It, You're Screwed (Or, well, not screwed most cases)...


I wanted to take a little bit of time during this joyous, no job having, broke as hell, about to lose your homes, your husband sleeping with a hermaphrodite-doing (because he figured he was still sort of just hanging with the guys, yet get his "ho, ho, ho" jollies in at the same time) to talk to my fellow citizens to discuss something that I feel is of vital importance (well, I thought it was at the time this idea came to me, but that is another bowl of egg nog and vomit).

While enjoying a fine breakfast at the brand new IHOP in my area (hell, I know people will ask why I was there, as that I haven't worked in over a year; but my lovely, back-broken overworked spouse still tries her damnedest to, oh, once every couple of months or so, to do something nice for her hubby, as well as for, well, herself, as that she deserves some sort of reward for busting her pa-tooty to keep us afloat), I, as is my norm, began to survey the other patrons in the establishment (as well as see if this IHOP location had cute waitresses; yes, I know I am married, and I had no plans for trying to acquire a mistress; one, I love my wife, and two, my wife makes good money and no putang is worth that sort of financial downgrade) who were enjoying in what my humble opinion are the best pancakes money can buy.

As I was getting along with my warm-syrup eatin' pancake gluttony, I saw across the room this middle-aged fellow, extremely average looking, looking at one of those lovely electronic readers, chuckling to himself as he moved his rather thick glasses back onto his nose. His hair was somewhat disheveled, with a bit of grey mixed in as he continued to eat his pancakes, and read whatever he was reading...


Now normally I would think nothing of it if it was, say, a mid-summers day and for, hell, all I know his wife was working on this particular day, and he was another schmuck like me who was stuck without a job...

...and who also had expensive toys, like his little item in his hand, probably reading "Harry Potter and His Mommy's Exceptionally Large Clitoris" (or whatever those books are called).

But, it is currently the Christmas season, and despite the economic downturn (ok, we are two upchucks and blown snot across the room from being in a full-blown depression, kids), most folks still pick this time of year to be, well, not in a restaurant eating pancakes and reading electronic books, but rather spending time with folks they normally don't get to see but once a year. So, for a moment, it struck me as odd.

As I turned away my gaze from this sappy fellow and concentrated on feeding my nearly 3 year old preschooler-to-be his breakfast, memories of my high school days came flooding back to me...a fit 180 lb teenager with a total lack of confidence, virginity intact until his first few months of college, and a total social reject loser, sitting at a local restaurant in The Bronx during lunch, alone...

..and listening to a Walkman instead of an electronic book, circa 1980's.


My friends, the universe abhors a vacuum, and the same thing applies to humanity as well.

There will always be rich folks, and there will always be poor folks (with the middle class, well, in the U.S; other countries is is just one extreme to the other, fronting the majority of the debt), despite the lack of sense that a country (like the aforementioned USA) with so much money cannot bloody distribute it's wealth (gotta love the Old, WASP-Y Old Boys Club; there would be no recession/depression/Chaka-Khan-sion/WTF ever-sion if they stopped given the old farts more money after they lost their own...hello AIG?).

There will always be "The Beautiful Ones" (baby, baby, baby!) and the ones who couldn't get a date if they bought a calender. Smart ones and those who will need other dumb ones to change a light bulb.

Not fair, but it is what it is.

Losers, ugly folks, idiots, geeks, and so forth are here to, sadly, be ridiculed, picked on, not touched by women who actually have discernible breasts and a full set of teeth (or men who actually would qualify for at least cute, so not to be sexist on either side of the coin), and basically to be, well, sitting in IHOP's and reading a book that doesn't have pages.

Unless you are, well, Bill "I can buy any piece of tail I wanted, but besides Windows, the only other mistake I made was picking this chick as my wife" Gates, or have "paper" like him, y'all are just screwed; doomed to be either to date/marry someone JUST like you, so that you can restock the loser/social reject/geek species, or to be alone, period.

Now, as in all things, this isn't an absolute fact. I had a friend with the initials "CR", who was, well, shit-stinking ugly. I loved the guy to death, but this dude made Mon-Chi-Chi's looked sexy. But, this dude was so confident in himself, he made himself into a hell of a salesman, with pristine credit, 2 kick-ass houses, and a sicccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccck hot wife. Before he got married, he made a certain garden tool ask for permission to use the term "ho."

He didn't sleep with ugly chicks (well, there were a couple of girls that I wouldn't do with a dead white man's penis); he was a true player in every sense of the word.

Now, of course, money probably helped a great deal (as that he seemed to have plenty of it); but some of these women usually required that you were at least an "8" on the "hottie" scale, as that anything less would bring them down on the social scale. But he re-wrote the playbook, and did it well.

There are always exceptions to every rule.

However, on the most part, it isn't going to happen for you, people.

I was once one of you, and in a lot of ways, I still am. Only people who call my phone are as follows...

1. Mom and Dad
2. My In-Laws
3. Bill Collectors

And No. 3 is the most prominent ringer of my telephone.

I have 2 dear friends who I see maybe once a year. The only time I was "semi-popular" was when I went to parties formed by other lonely folks back in AOL's heyday. Once I got married, they scattered as if one was asked for jury duty.

Hell, ultimately the only reason I blog is to share my skewed view with people who don't know me, and I've had, what...less than 500 visitors so far?

Hell, there's a blog called "Why Women Hate Men" (a very funny blog, BTW) that has had close to a half-million visitors in the 5 months its been up.

As I said, the universe abhors a vacuum.

Sadly, for those who got the crap sperm-shoot of geek/loser/ugly-dom, you just got "puzzle-pieced" in the wrong section of the big picture.

Deal with it, and either buy electronics (like I do), get some lotion and imagine a girlfriend named "Sweet Sue BlowMe", or, well...

Accept who you are and be happy. 'Tis about the only thing you can control in this life.

Peace and KY is not a good substitute for a conversation.

1 comment:

Ellie said...

On the topic of the guy in IHOP, well, consider this: I'm a 41 (and sadly that is middle aged, although I don't feel/act it)year old woman, who by the grace of Loreal got her red hair back after 5 months without a dye job. On the rare (yep, we are broke too) chances I get to Christmas shop, I like to go aloooone. And stop and have a nice breakfast aloooone. I could be the middle aged person sitting in IHOP, Shoney's, Denny's, etc. reading a text message, laughing out loud over my Moons over MyHammy. And I have a great hubster, places to go, people to see, etc. You just would have caught me at a rare alone moment.

And you will eventually conquer blog-dom. I'm certain of it.