About The Funk...

Observational Spittle from the mind of a man of color in his 40s, without the color added (most times). Come in, laugh, and you may learn something...

90 Things That Irritate The Sh** Out Of Me Trailer

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

For Da Fat Chicks in Da House...

Yeah, I know.

The title is a little f'd up.

First off, before I spew like a overworked porn star, let me say that for the, oh, 1 to 2 readers I have on this thing (if I even have that many), I am sorry that I've been gone the past 15 days or so; the "G" has been discouraged...I had some strange fantasy that somehow I can get folks to actually check out my musing, and not only teach them, make them laugh, blah, blah, blah, but maybe make a little coin as I spend my now nearly 14th month of unemployment.

Silly Negro, cash is for WASPS who use bailouts to fund their penis extensions!

Oh well, I am somewhat over it now, consigning myself to an existence of being a "slave", making another WASP rich, eventually ending up without health insurance and a limp penis.

Wait, I have the penis thing already...happened when my kids showed up.

Let's Move On!

Anyway, I was speaking to "The Franchise" (the nickname I gave my spouse, as that she has diligently been fighting an uphill battle to keep all of the possessions I have foolishly overdrawn my credit for, including this house) about this post, and as that she would have a direct relation to the subject matter...

OH NO HE DIDN'T!

Did I just call my wife a fat chick? Dayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam! Not a wise thing for someone who has no income at the moment, right?

But don't get your tampon strings in a knot that you can't get pulled out, k?

Here's the deal.

My wife knows she's overweight...hell, medically she's obese. But more on that in a bit, as this article isn't about her, and I think she is a sexy beast anyways...her opinion, with mine running a close 2nd, should be the one that matters.

Hell, I'm overweight...it's a fact. By about, oh, 70 lbs or so. Borderline diabetic, too.

And I hate friggin' needles. Scare the black off of me (and I am a dark-skinned mofo, so that's pretty damned scary).

Ultimately, this little ditty is more of a thank you to the women out there that isn't, say, a size Ethiopian.

White guys that I've met in the past (and know currently) considering anything over a size 6 (in U.S. terms; sometimes I get international folks who find my blog too "American"-ized; if you want to see what "fat ass" equates to in the eyes of the Caucasian male, click here) as a porker.

A major cultural difference if you ask me. Now the stereotype (and every stereotype has some truth to it, sadly...otherwise racism, bigotry, etc would of died long ago) for Black Males (you know, I am gonna go with the term "MSO (Multi-Shades Of) Brown-Folk"; seriously, "black" never made sense, as that well, if one was truly "black" they'd never find themselves once it got dark and would keep bumping into each other like Stevie Wonder in a maze) is that we like our females with a "little more meat" on them. I won't lie, that old rap song "Baby Got Back" does have some merit when it comes to my taste in women...my wife's booty in that skirt she was wearing in the club I met her in nearly 13 years ago would make J-Lo's ass seem like an ass lacking in cushioning...hello! (Oh, the fact that she turned out to be a full-figured model didn't hurt, either).

Her friends said that after I got the courage to talk to her (never picked up a woman EVER in a bar before I spoke to her like 45 minutes before the club closed) that I'd never call her after I got her number...

...I called her like 8 hours later, and we've been together pretty much ever since.

The funny thing is...I dated a woman even more overweight that she was/is...big difference is that my lady has, and still does have, a figure.

It just is a few times bigger than that fabled American 6.

Fat girls (and to a degree, fat guys) just have it shitty. And yeah, I said fat. It is what it is...no politically correct bullshit at the Domain, peeps. Let's see...

They can't find clothes worth shit...it is like there was a law written that says "If u're a fat chick, mumus are your only option...fashion taste is outlawed!" Have you ever popped your head into a store like Lane Bryant here in the States? Holly crap...shit so loud, bright, and tactless Ray Charles would jump out of his grave and say "That ain't right!"

Cute size-6 chicks hang out with them, since they feel that they won't be any competition. This little bit of trickery is, well, just foul. These unfortunate souls are at times referred to as a "DUFF" (Designated Ugly Fat Friend). Not cool...but, this doesn't always work. My wife's "friends" when I met her were a short girl who looked like a younger Estelle Getty (think "Golden Girls") and a skinny size 4 that I wouldn't pick my teeth with. Then again, just my taste, tis all.

Some fat girls thing they are skinny girls, resulting in embarrassing situations. In several societies on this planet, thin is in, and well, there are times where women of bigger girths, while I respecting any bit of self confidence you can muster, obviously have problems with their mirrors. No one, and I mean NO ONE, really needs to see a woman (or a man, for that matter) walking around in clothing that is too tight, too revealing, etc., if you simply don't have the body for it. Now I know that seems that I am buying into society's notion of what attractive is (and I am not, the finishing point is coming), but when I am in a mall, trying to each lunch, and I see a woman with enough fat hanging out to fry a month's worth of the Colonel's Secret Recipe, I have a problem with that.

Which leads me to my closing point....

Ultimately, people spend too much time looking at one is on the outside...including those whose "outsides" are, well, somewhat more expansive than others. It falls under the same category as judging a person by their race, religion, beliefs, sexual orientation, and so forth. Being fat, is well, frankly dangerous, and it does shorten your life. It is one of the few medical conditions that can truly be reversed. My family has a long history of diabetes, and an uncle of mine passed away a couple of years ago due to eating his ass into a grave (stroke, diabetes, eventually his body just said "f-it" and shut down). Also, if you read a couple of posts back, a friend's dad and a former co-worker of mine both died at relatively early ages because they were both fat, had diabetes, and their bodies couldn't take the abuse any more.

I am headed down that same road, and as a father of 2 kids who, despite their sometimes dislike of my actions (at times deservedly so), needs to be around for them for as long as I can, so I got off my ass and started walking. It's a start, cuz I know dead has this bad habit of being, well, permanent.

But for those fat chicks (and guys) out there, if you are happy being your size, if you think you are the shit, and if you have friends, family, and/or someone special who loves you no matter what size...

...eat some potato chips and tell your detractors to stop hatin'.

There is only one you...even if the only size 6 you know is what's left of your foot long hot dog with all the fixin's.

I tell my wife this all the time, in some sort of fashion. 'Cuz u see, I think she's the bomb. I never jumped on her because of her weight, mainly because I'd be a hypocrite if I did. Only YOU can make you happy...I know that I am risking my life at this size, and I'd like to see 40, 50, 60, 70, and if my penis still functions as a waste disposal and an occasional "woody", hit 80 if I am not a burden on my kids.

And, as I am sure she'll yell at me for this (this is why this post is getting her OK before it gets published), she doesn't like herself sometimes because of her weight.

Sigh.

Only YOU can prevent life fires within yourself....only you.

So for the proud fat chicks, peace to you all.

For those who are not so proud, well...

...you still breathe, work towards that size 6...or 8, or wherever you need to be so you feel good.

Just please don't lose that butt....Becky, OH MY God....

2 comments:

So Not The Bradys said...

I got a treadmill as an early 40th birthday present. Starting this week, I've been busting ass on it for well over one hour a day. I've never been a size 6, but I'd like to try it out for size. Because right now, if I don't do something soon, I'm guessing my only chance of being slim and trim is when I eventually die of some debilitating disease in old age, should I be so lucky. I'd like a chance at being svelte when I'm not too old and sickly to enjoy it. But as you point out, it's not because of anyone else's opinion, or society...it's my choice.

Ellie said...

Being overweight sucks. And the worst part - I'm down almost 40 lbs from my heaviest. But someone walking through the mall, looking at me, has no idea that I've already made an accomplishment. They just see fat. But ya know what? I don't give a rat's teeny tiny asshole. I'm losing weight to be healthy, not for how I look. If I decide that a size 16 is healthy then so be it. Size is just a number. Period. It's a shame that people are judged on how they look.