About The Funk...

Observational Spittle from the mind of a man of color in his 40s, without the color added (most times). Come in, laugh, and you may learn something...

90 Things That Irritate The Sh** Out Of Me Trailer

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Two-Thousand-Zero-Nine, Party Over, Ooops...never mind, here's da new year plan!

Alrighty then....

A new year has arrived...the end of the 2000's (which makes no sense, as that there are 991 years to go on that, if you truly think about it; however, there isn't anything else to call this first decade, so we move on!)

The Christmas lights have been somewhat put away (my tree is still up, but I am not as bad as some folks...I never did quite understand the supposed "White Trailer Trash Mentality" of leaving them up every year; while I get the convenience of flipping on a switch after Thanksgiving without the stress, should you advertise that you have less class than a South African School?) and I have big plans for 2009...well, not really, but I have really, really big dreams of getting rid of my lovely gut before I turn 40 in 6 months and 25 days.

My kids still haven't gotten bored with their new toys as of yet (my oldest is a video game addict, which is not abnormal for the kids of this generation; if he could apply his skills with a Wii remote to, say, the economy, we'd all be making 6 figures and getting blown (or eaten, depending on your gender) by hot looking people), and well, I avoided getting sox and Brute (by Faberge)...

...at least till next Christmas, anyway.

Anywho, I wanted to share with you my hopes and dreams for 2009, for myself as well as the world that we all live in. (Please note these thoughts and dreams are self copyright 2009 The Negro with The Ego, all rights reserved. Any use of said thoughts and dreams for your own benefit will result in me sending a bottled fart and a mini slice of my funky ass turds to your address).

Ok, here we go....

1. I hope to discover a toejam cleaner that works in the shower. It's something that I, as well as maybe 3 other people, might think about, which obviously makes it important. Sometimes I feel like there is a cotton farm between my toes by the end of the day. (Wait a minute...based on my ethnic background, let's make the cotton reference polyester, OK?)

2. That women can create a bra that is comfortable as well as sexy, no matter how big the flotation devices are. We can cure diseases, we can elect a black man as president (more on that later), and put up with Britney Spears' crap....why can't we find a bra that not only helps the ladies carry the man pillows, but makes a man wish he had a flag to put on his pole when he sees his woman in it? Just a thought.

3. The term "baby daddy" to go away, replaced with the term "father." Sigh...being out of work for the last 13 months has allowed me to "catch up" on all these "talk shows" (also known as how white trailer trash or ignorant, stereotype enhancing Negroes making the KKK's job so much easier propaganda). I truly wish that there was a test required before you dip the life-giving ice cream mix stick into the wet tunnel of baby love. Most folks would fail...hell, based on my lack of patience with my kids, I'd fail...probably on purpose. In short, if ya make it, handle it and bring up a decent human being, fellas...mamma's too, OK? Baby Daddy is one thing, Father is everything.

4. TV Stations don't really need to let us know that, well, we're watching their stations. I am watching college football here on New Year's Day, which is a typically male thing to do (but it is the only time of the year I typically watch college football; I am more of a fan of the pro game). Anyway, in the first 10 minutes of the game, I heard "ESPN" mentioned at least 4 times. If you are so f'n stupid that you need to know what station you are watching, pick up a book. Obviously, the media thinks we all have George W. Bush-level intelligence (an oxymoron in itself). Then again, I just may spend too much time paying attention to irrelevant shit.

5. For those folks whose time is up in 2009, to all die in their sleep...while dreaming of anything they were not able to do while they were here. Of course, I am praying that I am not among the ones to become worm fodder, nor do I wish anything like that to my 1 to 3 regular readers. I mean, we got cancer, strokes, heart attacks, murder, watching "American Idol" and getting shitty when people like Sanjaya sticks around and getting an aneurysm due to stress over it, etc. I say if it's your time, right before, have a drink, your favorite meal, put on your "Hannah Montana" slipper socks, and go to sleep, with your last thoughts being that country you wanted to visit, or that Xbox 360 you wanted but couldn't afford, or doing Heidi Klum (or Brad Pitt, Zach Effron, etc for the ladies). Me personally (once again, Lord, I would appreciate another 40 years of relative good health before my clock's punched) I hope to dream of my kids being men, my wife in good health (but OLD!) and me being the sex-meat of a Halle Berry and Janet Jackson sandwich (obviously, the only way the last part happens is IN A DREAM).

6. Lawyers who get on TV claiming that they have your best interests in mind. Now I know this is old hat, but it just cracks me up when you see actors who probably made $500 bucks for their appearance saying "Thanks to (put in the scumbag lawyer's name here), he made me 10's of thousands of dollars because my accident...even though my big toe is in my ass permanently, I can now buy a new wheelchair." In the meanwhile, the lawyer, whose taken about, oh, 80% of your winnings, is laughing as he drives away in his Bentley, being blown by your wife. Put that truth in a commercial...

7. Create an "Off" Button for children and people who talk too much shit. That wish is self explanatory; the person who comes up with that would have so much money, make make Warren Buffet look like he couldn't afford to live in the ghetto.

8. Another wish for an invention...the "Get Rid of The Fat Off Your Ass Without The Work" Pill. This would be awesome. I have the Wii Fit...got it for my 39th birthday. Been used like 10 times. Now when I play the Wii, it yells at me. This is not motivating me to drop the 70 lbs I need to lose. This is motivating me to find the nearest packet of Suzy-Q's and flipping off my Wii with my cream-covered finger. And this person will then become Bill Gates in terms of cash flow. Sweet.

9. For Our 44th President to not get shot. I am truly not trying to be facetious here, but let's face it...there are a lot of Yahoo's who haven't gotten over the Civil War Loss...despite that that was like, what...8 generations or so ago, and they weren't even a sperm shot in their great great great great great great granddaddy's Johnson at the time the Confederacy downfall. For the inauguration, they are talking about the heaviest security for the event in U.S. history. Sad. Last time I checked, he bleeds just like any other human being, no matter what ethnicity one is. Don't hate because he has a better tan...u have a problem, find a salon.

And Finally....

10. The real time wishes. I'd like folks to actually try to be slightly nicer to each other. If a person is an ass, they need to be wiped like an ass. But, if someone is being a bad day, give them a break. For those who have a job that they cannot stand (and that would describe ALL of my jobs; anyone who says they LOVE their job is either getting paid at least high 6 figures, or they have nothing BETTER to do in their lives), be glad you have one, because there is no worse feeling, beyond loss of a loved one, than feeling helpless. To really learn (and this applies to me, too) patience...life's a bitch or anus (to keep things non-sexist here), and it will get to you on it's time, not yours. For all folks to appreciate this short time on this earth...if you checked out a post of mine a couple of weeks back, a former co-worker of mine and a friend passed away a couple months ago, and a former friend's dad did the same, both due to avoidable health-related issues. Pretty young, considering today's medical advancements, too. My wife told me that we were closer to these gentlemen's age than we were to being teenagers (I have to kick her for that comment). Just tells you time flies, and soon you will arrive at that final destination. Enjoy your time, even if life sucks dingleberries. And in conclusion...

...to accept that people won't listen AT ALL to No. 9. We are a flawed race...sadly, the human race never fails to disappoint me...and I to disappoint myself.

Oh well...there's always the Wii Fit...or Suzy Q's.

Tough Choice.

Happy New Year.

No comments: