About The Funk...

Observational Spittle from the mind of a man of color in his 40s, without the color added (most times). Come in, laugh, and you may learn something...

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Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Fornicology...Or, If I Was Single, The Top 10 "Wish" List

(Warning: This entry is pretty much showing the stereotypical male in me. Ladies, take it with a grain of salt, and know I respect all women...cuz w/o you, they'd be no one around.)

I love women.

I truly, totally adore them, which, being a heterosexual male, should be no big shock. They are, in my humble opinion, God's greatest creation...the perfect drug, which, if not taken in moderation, can bring countries to war, men to tears, and have one jump off the side of the nearest mountain (or trip over your skiis while looking at a good looking woman, falling to your death while pondering the size of her Yabbos...:)

Let's Move On!

I am blessed to have a fairly understanding wife when it comes to my love of the opposite sex (not to say we are swingers, or that she gives me an annual "adultery without penalty" pass, even though that would be a hell of a business opportunity, and great as a Father's Day gift). She even points out women, based on how well she knows me, that she said I'd "do" in a heartbeat (with about a 98% accuracy rate). She knows that she has the keys to my heart, however (and 2 kids that would have me working 14 jobs to pay child support to deter me).

However, as I was sitting down dropping the kids off in the pool a couple of weeks ago, I began to drift off into some sort of slumber-like state (yeah; toilet bowls are comfortable to me for some odd reason) I began to trip down memory lane, on women that I have encountered in my younger, non-married days, whom I never got to see if their tastes in undergarments was either Vickie Secret-like or the Cross Your Heart special type. So, after sorting through the women (both non-met and those I have at least been in the same room with), I came up with a Top-10 list...those female bits of loveliness that I wish I could treat to what I call "The G. Eric Francis Bootiesperience."

(Yeah, I know...bad choice of title, but I was listening to "Foxy Lady" by the left handed genius known as Hendrix, and it served as inspiration).

So, here is the list...some famous women I wouldn't have a chance with unless I was, well, 70 lbs lighter, several millions richer, and look like Shemar Moore), those who I didn't have the guts to try to get with, and so on...these are in no particular order, and some names have been altered to protect the non-stalked....

1. Janet Jackson - Let's face it, that girl is like a tootsie roll pop...how many licks to the center....sigh.

2. Halle Berry - Another Fantastic Choice...she is like aging backwards...she's the chocolate hot "Benjamin Bratt, Pratt", or whatever he's called...

3. "KP" (person I know/knew) - This old friend is, for some reason, like pizza was to The Fat Boys when it comes to women I wish I hooked up with. She had...anger as well as good looks. And for some reason, angry women tend to grind ya like a butcher when it comes to doing the nasty. We became better friends in the end, but man, in a different world (with a lot of alcohol for the beer goggle effect so she doesn't run), it'd been on like Donkey Kong...

4. Megan Fox - Ok...normally I like women to have a little meat on 'em, but damn! The woman just screams "bend me over and check me for polyps with your personal tool." It's been a long time in Hollywood where a young hottie like this has come along and make even the brothers say "yeah, I'd sell out for that!"

5. "TD" - Another female who became a better friend. Made out with her once...after I was so nervous for whatever reason, she just grabbed me and showed me where my "pair" was. Actually, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't of met my wife. Oh well, there goes my redhead fantasy.

6. "JG" - I actually dated this one back in my teens, and always wondered what happened to her (hoping she got like fat and nasty like a a dripping welt, but no, I am sure she is a nearly 40 "cougar" to be, which would serve me right). Perfect female parts all around, lovely lady from the islands. Had her in my pocket, had a lot of "firsts" (not the big "first", that wouldn't come till a couple of years later), and I know if I didn't toss her aside like an idiot, that would have been funkier and fun than a Morris Day/Rick James/Prince/Parliament concert.

7. "DR" - College bud and my good conscience in a lot of ways. She wasn't the sexiest female in the world (in a lot of ways she was like one of the guys), and as that one of my weaknesses when it comes to women are their "man pillows" (Thanks Stan Smith), in which she was sorely lacking. She actually (at least back in the day when we were friends) looks a like like Hilary Swank in some ways. But for whatever reason, she was one of those forbidden fruit things...we'd hang out, occasionally crash in the same bed after drinking (well, she was drunk, but that's another story), and I just wanted to do the Humpty Dance, is your chance, to do the hump (do me baby! Do the humpty Hump, do the Humpty Hump!)...sorry, got lost in early 90's hip-hop...:)

8. Vanessa Del Rio. Do Your Research...'nuff said.

9. Anne Hathaway - The perfect temptation...sweet and wholesome by her looks, but you know there is a bedroom whore in there somewhere. Never mind the fact that the woman can just flat out act.

And finally....

10. My wife...wait, I have slept with her...damn it. But, if we go back to a club back in 1996, she was a long legged, full figured model with great hair, beautiful eyes, and enough "pillow" to fill a local bedroom furniture store. Before "the slong train" entered the station, she almost became a never-had. It took me hours to gather up the nerve to speak to her, as she stood there in her skirt and nice fitting black top. Then, after I said hi, I kept on walking....for about 10 feet.

Then I turned back around.

The rest, as they say, is history (and 2 annoying azz kids, albeit cute, mortgages and the stress of adulthood).

So, while I didn't get to enjoy all the "amusement parks", I at least got to take up permanent residence in one.

Can't win 'em all, right?

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