About The Funk...

Observational Spittle from the mind of a man of color in his 40s, without the color added (most times). Come in, laugh, and you may learn something...

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Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Wishing For A Bluetooth World

Five states (California, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, and Washington) and the District of Columbia have enacted a jurisdiction-wide ban on driving while talking on a handheld cellular phone. Washington state has also enacted a jurisdiction-wide ban on text messaging while driving.

Great law, that is.

I was driving along, getting my loud azz music thang on, when I got cut off by some fancy pants, Mercedes Boy driving middle age dude yabbing on his iPhone, not paying a damn bit of attention to what he was doing.

First of all, people with $ irritate me, cuz, well, I don't have any, and less importantly (grin) they think they can get away with anything.

Second of all, it ticks me off that folks drive around in 2009 without getting Bluetooth for their cell phones.

I remember back in the somewhat recent day that the best thing one can do when talking on the phone in the car was get one of those headsets with the "Rosemary, the operator" extensions and the big long cord that hung like an old man's penis at your side.

This qualified as technology, and at least you were able to somewhat pay attention to where you were going.

Now you have dumb asses who are texting while attempting to control anywhere from a 2500 to 4,000 lb vehicle going at anywhere between 30 and 60 miles an hour during rush hour.

What is so important to talk about via cold, impersonal words on a wireless phone that can't wait till, well, ya stop the car?

I guess I would find it hard to forgive someone who smashes into me while talking to her best friend Buffy the super skank about the latest Jonas Brothers video.

Bluetooth...think they are as low as $15 these days. Beat the crap out of $5-10K for a funeral.

But hell, then I started thinking....say we can expand Bluetooth beyond communication, music, and so forth?

I went into my "thinking room" (making sure we had Charmin; the spouse doesn't like scratchy paper on her sphincter) and came up with a few ideas if the planet went totally bluetooth...

1. The Bluetooth Prostitute - Simple, to the point, wireless, less mess. Ya connect to her via your 2in to 30 ft "man connection" (depending on if you are a white guy who ISN'T a porn star, or a big dude named Leroy), do your business, and it doesn't necessarily qualify as a bad thing (unless you get overexcited and cause a short...that would, well suck...unless having "sucking" programed is what u're into).

2. The Bluetooth Child - This would be awesome...kid becomes a pain in the ass, disconnet the little bastard/bitch, or simple don't recharge.

3. The Bluetooth Job - Now this would be an awesome idea....connect, let it go to work for you, and if it happens to get overused, just take those days off (like you weren't anyway) until it is charged up again. Companion to the "Bluetooth boss" which is all bad transmission over air anyway.

That was all I can think of, as that I had the runs, and it didn't take long before I had to leave.

But, I am open to any ideas my loyal readers (readers....hahahahahaha....that's a good one) may suggest.

In the meanwhile, I would love, in a thunderstorm, some loser who wasn't paying attention cuz he was talking to his mistress on the phone while driving home to just tilt his phone the right way and...

...well, let's just say the "disconnection" would be awesome to watch.

Yeah, I am not right.

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