Is it the beginning, Or the End?

July 23, 2009.

I am 3 days short of stepping into my 40's, and I spent the last full weekend of my 30's listening to old vinyl records my wife and I had gathered in our quickly disappearing youth. Yeah, I know I am not old by any stretch of the imagination, but it is somewhat humorous (as well as scary) that I could of gone through high school twice and started pre-school for the 3rd time based on my years on this earth. I chuckle at myself when I comment at teenage girls who are showing more leg and bush level than the last US administration that they should put some clothes on...

...when not so long ago I'd wonder if they were easy or not.

I tell my 7 year old son when he questions why I tell him to do something he doesn't like the classic parental response...

"'Cuz I say so!"

Then sigh because I know I am none too far the time where my body truly begins to fall apart on me, and my diminutive physician puts his size 5 finger in my ass to make sure I don't have any other cancerous uninvited guests.

On Friday Nights, instead of getting ready for the club (and hoping my then girlfriend now wife gets her drink on so I can get lucky that night), I spend it catching up reality TV shows and the remake of "90210" (yeah, I am a 265 lb black guy who watches a bunch of 95lb stuck up bitches whine about their $500 shoes being too tight...hey, it amuses me).

Speaking of weight, an old friend gave me a picture of me when I was 16, wearing a size 32 pants and being damned strong. Outside of a wrinkle here and there, my looks haven't changed that much since 1985 (gawd). But I always thought I was utterly unattractive, had no confidence, and well, was a bigger virgin than Mary:) Some parts of that haven't changed much (well,obviously the virgin part; no, my kids weren't adopted), beyond going up 4 pant sizes, due to the fact that I can't let go of the fact that I can't eat like that and simply burn it off...

...especially watching 95lb bitches on the couch.

So I am a little reflective these days, 3 days short of birthday #40, because I have seem men younger than me drop dead, or end up with some jacked up disease, and ultimately die way, way too young. I remember how Michael Jackson's passing (sadly, the butt of many a joke in my past blogs, which I do sadly regret), and thinking he was only about 11 years older than I am now. Yeah, drugs seemed to have played a major role in that, but still, it just points out to me how short this life is, and reminds me of my momma's saying to me that "The Good Lord gave you a certain amount of time, and you ain't gonna live pass that."

I guess that's why I laugh all the time, act much younger than I should, and try not to think about the seriousness that comes along with being an adult with 2 young minds to mold. When I hear a song, it reminds me of younger days, and, to be honest, how much I detested a good bit of it.

That makes me sad, 'cuz I wish I believed in myself more, and had a better time when all I had to worry about was good grades...and not pissing my dad off. When I played stickball with my friends, or hung out in front of their apartment building and just talked movies, music, baseball, and about what Atari 2600 game we'd get next (I did mention I am turning 40, right? LOL). I remember my obsessing about Cynthia Rivera, then Juliet Grant (who I eventually got, then royaly f'd up and tossed away 'cuz I tried to get another girl named Serena who had no interest). I remember dating really the best looking girl I dated (with the exception of my wife, of course) the summer before I went off the college...then losing my virginity (finally...sad, tis true) the fall thereafter. The 1980s and its bad rock bands, new wave, hating Metallica (and appreciating them later well after my school days). I recall being on Welfare for a few months in the early 1990s when I couldn't find work...or let go of one of the two great loves in my life. I recall gambling addictions, my "playa" days, and meeting a tall girl in a club called Gators 13 years ago, who would become my wife and mother of my boys.

Reminisce I do, in the hope that I can enjoy many more memories with those I love, as one of the great lines I have heard came in, of all films, "Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"...

"We've reach the point of out lives, Indy, where life stops giving us things, and begins to take them away."

So, as I begin, what is actually my 5th decade, I just want to take a deep breath, hope for better fortunes (as that I am heading in 20 months w/o a steady job), good health for my family, the body breakdowns to slow down a little bit, and well....

...that the doctor at least uses KY when we start doing our annual "date" with my ass and his finger.