About The Funk...

Observational Spittle from the mind of a man of color in his 40s, without the color added (most times). Come in, laugh, and you may learn something...

90 Things That Irritate The Sh** Out Of Me Trailer

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Hey, I cried when Chandler and Monica Got Engaged, Damn it!


This is going to be a tough one to write.

I am stuck between trying to be funny (intentionally, not being laughed at) and making a point, knowing that I am opening myself up for some fairly vicious attacks.

But f**k it, oh well...I am 260 lbs, and as long as y'all don't have guns, I can defend myself.

Let's Move on!

I am a sensitive dude. I mean, truly sensitive...not like "Can I come down there and sing to you?" Michael Jackson sensitive (you notice that I use a lot of MJ ancedotes alot...sigh, it is just sad what he's become...but he makes great comedy material), but more sensitive that the average guy. I mean, hell, I try to be (as best I can) society's misconceived and somewhat sad version of "manly" as much as I can.

Hell, no one wants his or her ass kicked...or give anyone the notion that they can do it to you.

But whenever I get super, super, pissed off like a golden shower party, my emotions spill over like a Peter North money shot. It's pretty bad, and I hate when it happens, because, well, it makes me look like...ugh...like this (see this previous blog, as that I am trying to stop using that term to define women or male weakness). Depending on how angry I get (and as a protective mechanism against smashing in the person's face with my considerable physical prowess), I will start to, well...

Cry after a man gets kicked in the ding-ding.

I have always been like that, and it sort of sucks, as that my dad always taught me that "a man doesn't cry." My mother said the same thing as well. My guess is that all those "Marlboro Man" ads back in the 50's and 60's drilled that into their and America's consciousness.

Men cannot show weakness...cannot show emotion...has to be as hard as their penises with or without Viagra.

Unfortunately (even though I have gotten better at hiding it as I've gotten older), I have yet to get rid of this albatross. Whenever my emotional "non-control" hits, I excuse myself very quickly, usually to let go in the bathroom (not like "Peter North" let go, even though in the past I have been known to tag a gal like Cool Whip on a banana split). After I cry my brains out, I then wash my face, put on my "man" face, and while to the world I still seemed obviously angry, there was no evidence of any "girlyness."

It's the only way not to get "BlackBo" on someones ass, because I have a very vile temper when provoked too far.

My dad always got on me for crying. During my NYC growing up days, I had a really nice watch stolen from me by some dudes who put a gun to my head. As that this was was just giving to me as a graduation present from Junior High, I was a 14 year old kid who was rather upset over it (never mind that I was 2 seconds away from becoming a statistic). After I told my dad what happened, he proceeded to berate me....in front of all the kids in the neighborhood. He said I should of fought for my watch.

Ok...I'll grab my "Superman With A Tan" costume so I can deflect those bullets, Pop.

This, of course, made me cry some more, due to the humiliation...and it's been the same ever since, nearly 26 years later.

Now I have 2 kids on my own, and my oldest...sigh...it's like watching the sequel to "Teen Wolf" (i.e. a film that should not have been made; note, not my kid shouldn't of been made...never mind, u get my friggin point). He will let his emotions spill out at any time, any where.

And sadly, I am sort of making the same mistakes my dad did with me when it comes to dealing with it.

Now, I don't do it in a way that I would humiliate him in front of his friends. I just get frustrated, as that I don't want the boy to suffer through childhood like I did. He just picks the wrong spots (sporting events, which is a BIG NO-NO in the manly sports regime) if things go wrong. I try to explain to him that other boys will not respect him for doing that, and it is like telling O.J. Simpson not to get into situations where he ends up going to jail for the rest of his life.

So I have to ask myself (and my readers)this question....

Is it OK for a guy to be sensitive if things affect him (beyond someone dying, of course)?

I read this blog recently by a very crass, but very funny man...one of his most recent posts debated what would make a man "gay" if he did certain things. Not exactly in the same area I am speaking about here, but it sort of connects in a way. Society all over the planet seems to have this notion on how men are supposed to act. Now I admit, as I have a fairly tactless sense of humor (really? like you couldn't tell from this blog!), the blog I read was straight up funny. But at the same time, it points a laser beam to this point...

Any emotional outburst by someone with testicles is automatically perceived as weakness or, well, "gay."

People see this, and they try to take advantage of a dude as quickly as Paris Hilton buys a pair of Jimmy Choo's (and the fact that I know what these are doesn't make me "gay". An educated man...as well as a man who can use his "thang" as a substitute jack is sexy to the ladies, OK?)

So it's like I am stuck in the middle...I decided long ago that I, being emotional, is pretty much who I am, and probably isn't going to change. However, I have to hide it from the world (good work by posting it for the world to see....LOL...wait, I only get like 15 visitors a day, and 1/2 of those are repeats...not that I don't appreciate that) so that people don't think I am not a "man." And I have to continue to pass on society's perception of "manhood" onto my sons.

So, what do you do? Hide? Cry like a baby who's finger got stuck in the door jam at a fast food Italian restaurant (even though the dad didn't see it, but he should of been more responsible and paid attention, and the kid's finger got swollen like a helium balloon? Sorry...flash back here).

Or do you just be....well, you? Trying to adjust when you should be that person, without worrying on how society will look at you?

It's a pretty shitty choice.

It's one that I have dealt with for nearly 40 years, and now I have to help my son figure it out as well.

Sigh...I can hear the comments now if more than the 5 people I slipped $5.99 (U.S., 4.03 UK, 7.27 Canada, 583.52 Yen in Japan as of 11/13/08 at 7:21 PM EST) to read my spittle-age....p*ssy, wuss, bitch....blah, blah, blah.

You know what...that's cool...I don't expect to get glowing reviews for the spittle I dispense here at "The Domain" all the time.

Just want y'all to think, tis all.

As for the title of this little ditty, it's true...I did get misty when Chandler and Monica from "Friends" got engaged. For years I told my wife to never tell a soul about that.

But isn't the point of good writing is to get to some sort of emotions? If it isn't good, you end up with, well, movies like "Teen Wolf." (Sorry Michael J. Fox...I miss ya; you are one of the great TV comedic actors of your time).

By the way, the first "Teen Wolf" was sort of humorous, I sort of liked it, actually.

I have also teared up during "reality TV" once or twice as well, just to let ya know.

So, if you wish to call me a "bitch", well...

Yo Mama.

(That is like the perfect insult comeback, isn't it?)


Tug said...

Media has only made me cry twice during my lifetime.Once was in A Walk to Remember. (I fell in love with Mandy Moore.) Thee other time was the part in Armageddon where Harry is telling Grace goodbye and she has her hand on the screen. And the part during the president's speech when Chip's kid is like "That salesman's on tv!", and the mom tells the kid, "That man's no salesman, that's your daddy." Thanks for making me feel gay buddy. :]

So Not The Bradys said...

I've had similar challenges. The oldest boy child tends to be more emotional like his mother. The youngest boy child rarely lets anyone know he's a human.

I wish I could offer some sage words of advice. The only thing I can say is let him be who he is. You have to give him the tools to cope with others who are not like him. But let him know he's alright, and there's nothing wrong with seeing the world in a different light.

My sensitive boy is the big, bad football playing hoss boy. So, in short, he'll be okay.

~Static~ said...

LOL! It's all good man.

It's a good thing to be sensitive, it is there to teach us to have empathy for our fellow men/women.

I was very sensitive growing up and hated it. I learned how to control my emotions and take a tougher stance for myself over the years and through the woods.

Sometimes I still have difficulty handling my anger, (which is just a shield to stop myself from sobbing like a baby), but I'm getting there.

And sometimes I just stand out in the street in my underwear and sob like a baby and shout curses at people walking/driving by and throw shit at them, like a goddamn crazy person.

Who cares? Sometimes you just gotta let loose.

DAMN that episode of Monica and Chandler's Engagement! DAMN IT TO HELL!!!!!!


Ellie said...

Let me tell ya something - I am married to a man who is thisshy of being a robot. He shows very little in the way of raw emotion. He cried slightly when his mother died and teared up when doing a reading at his sister's wedding after his mom had died. He teared up when our daughter was born. That's it. In nearly 10 years, I've never seen him REALLY shed tears. And I wish he would. There is nothing wrong with showing real, raw emotion. It shows you are human.