Sad...or what my little boy says, I currently feel

I was going to put this on my blog page, but I decided to share this on google + first.  

I am sad tonight.

No, nothing has happened per se, no major tragedies, etc.

I am just...well tearful.  As a 262 LB man, that is hard to admit or say.  The last decade of my life has been, well, quite disappointing.  I've been out of work for 6 1/2 out of those 10 years.  My 2nd son, born with Down Syndrome and later developing Autism, is a brilliant kid trapped in the body of a sleep deprived semi-violent little person.  Outside of a few people, I truly don't have any friends in  this Midwestern city that I've spent nearly 1/2 my life in.

Ugh, I hate to sound like some whiny little child.  I needed to get this out, though, because it is blocking me from doing what I need to do...as well as want to do.

The need is to try to find work before I lose all of my worldly possessions.

The want is chasing the dream I've run after for 37 years.  

That dream...well, I've stumbled over my feet, even though I should be proud that if I died tomorrow, I am a PUBLISHED AUTHOR.  I mean, hell, you could look me up via ISBN number, for goodness sake.

3 books.  Twisted like my imagination, hopefully entertaining and thoughtful.  They are there, sitting out in the world.

Buried by 100's of thousands of other folks trying to catch that same dream.  

The Hunger Games.
The Mortal Instruments.
Harry Potter
Fifty Shades of Grey 
Divergent

All creations from minds who once sat at a table, or a couch, or at a Starbucks with an idea and a dream.

I used to dream of all the things that I'd buy when I wrote that best selling novel....how I'd negotiate movie rights with me taking 10% of the back end.  

Man...now...I'd like to simply pay my mother back for everything she's done...especially the last several years.  Pay my brother, cousin, best friend, good friends here in the city, etc.  Help both of my boys.  Donate to cause that support Down Syndrome, Autism, Heart Disease, Cancer.

To give my wife, who has carried this family on her back for a long time, a sit down and a breather.

A lot of people don't like me very much.  I know that people think ill of me, and while I know that you can't make everyone like you.  But I guess that the lessons I learned growing up just can't process this.  Do unto others...I've always tried to treat folks right.  I know I have my faults...I can be pushy at times with my opinions...especially if I feel strongly about them.  

Racism exists.  My non-black friends don't get that.  

Black people sometimes are their own worst enemy.  Maybe this is why I don't have many friends of color like myself.

A simple sit down between (seemingly) intelligent folks would solve the majority of the world's problems. Wish someone in every gov't (especially my own) would follow that simple instruction.

But I'm sad.  Sad that when i asked for help, no one answered.  I guess I don't get that.  I haven't earned a check in 3 months.  But a woman I have never met who is suffering a major health challenge I gladly gave a little change that I really didn't have.  The people involved are good, good people...beautiful both inside and out.  Plus, it reminded me that that could be me...or my wife...or my children.  

I may not give God a call too often, but it was right.

Anywho, I have to run.  I have a tab open to 100's of book blogs that I am sending emails to, asking them to read my 3rd book.  I've even found a few of them who read books like my 2nd book.  It is tedious, and most will probably say "thanks, but no thanks."

I am sad, true.  But I am also stubborn.

I can't accept that all these ideas floating in my head screaming to be told is the Higher Deity's version of a bad joke.

If that is so, then I will truly be sad.